I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands
on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out
a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to
be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors
feel even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially.
"I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad,
I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I
am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to
be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular
fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places
are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there
is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's
apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite
these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too -- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for
the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember
them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with
a ball point might be inadequate -- ink washes off -- and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, getting out
of the car, and going up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through
the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Did you enjoy
this essay? Did it sound familiar somehow? Of course it did ... this is the column by W. Bruce Cameron that led
to a book, which in turn led to the current ABC series of the same name starring John Ritter. Check your local
listings for air times. Oh, and while you're reading this, why not click here to send an email requesting to be added to W. Bruce Cameron's free Internet mailing list, so you can get his hilarious takes
on life delivered right to your email inbox. Go for it ... it's a sight funnier than the spam you usually get!