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Dear Dogs:
When
I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The
dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy
anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For
the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you.
Rules for non pet owners
who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair
on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's
a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs
are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
The
same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
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