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What
is love?
If you have to ask that question, you've never really been in it.
The
sad thing is, some people use that rhetoric when asked straight out if they love someone. I've heard people say that practically
on the eve of their wedding.
Question: "You must really love him, huh?"
Response:
"Well, what's love? I mean, we like being together ..." blah blah blah. (This is one marriage that's doomed before they even
start the march down the aisle.)
Question: "Do you love me?"
Response: "Of course
I do. Whatever love is." (This is where a red flag should go up.)
It has been said that enlightenment which
can be described isn't enlightenment. Same thing is true about love. You can only know what love feels like if you've felt
it yourself. There's no logical explanation nor cut and dried criteria. Love just is.
Some folks
are lonely and in such a hurry to find a partner that they don't wait for the one special person to come along. They find
someone whom they like and with whom they share interests and call that love.
Many people erroneously believe
themselves to be in love when they are actually in like. Or, most commonly, in lust. Sex is such a powerful magnet that it's
small wonder many young people get married based on that alone. They mistake the passion and fire and "can't keep our hands
off one another" for love. Then, when the honeymoon phase is over, they're left feeling empty, and they become resentful of
the enormous responsibilities marriage entails. This is when the divorce rate skyrockets.
Some
people, even after that initial infatuation has passed, try to rationalize their feelings for the other person by thinking,
"Well, I enjoy his/her company, I enjoy him/her in bed, we have so much in common, therefore it must be love." Wrong! Love
is not something you can intellectualize, analyze, or explain. It's an emotion, not a thought process. You feel it. You don't
think it. In fact, at times, love between two people can even defy explanation.
There are couples
who, on paper, look as if they'd be perfect for one another. They share the same interests and are so much alike that it would
be difficult to imagine them not getting together. But it doesn't always work out that way.
Then there are couples
who are so different from one another that it looks like they wouldn't last a day together, much less a lifetime. One is tall
and thin, the other is short and stout. One watches sports, the other reads. One loves rock and roll, the other loves country.
One's a singer, the other a writer. People look at them and make jokes about the odd couple. Yet, many times, these are the
relationships which are eternal and everlasting. Why? Because of the chemistry which drew these two different people to one
another. They're not relying on exteriors; each sees through to the other's soul.
How can this phenomenom of love,
this chemistry, this attraction which makes one want to spend a lifetime with the other, be adequately explained? It can't.
But there are signs you can look for, and questions you can ask yourself.
Do you love
spending every possible minute with her? Or do you barely even think about her when you're apart?
Do you enjoy going
out with him even if it's to a restaurant or an event that wouldn't be your first choice? Or do you consider it a waste of
time to go somewhere you're not crazy about, even with him?
Are you proud to be seen with her? Or do you feel like
she cramps your style?
Do you jump at the chance to see him whenever you can? Or do you find yourself making excuses
when he wants to get together?
When she telephones you, are you happy to hear from her? Or do you wish she'd leave
you alone?
Is he your first priority? Or do you spend more time with your friends than with him?
Are her feelings
the most important thing in the world to you? Or are your own feelings more important?
Are you happy and grateful
whenever he buys gifts for you, and think of him whenever you wear or use them? Or are you disappointed because the jewel
in the ring is too small or the sweater will clash with the rest of your wardrobe?
Do you love spending as much time
as possible with her? Or do you find yourself telling her you need more "space?"
You get the
idea. If you mostly answered "yes" to the second part of those questions, perhaps it's time to reevaluate things.
It's
a natural thing to want to spend as much time as possible with the one you love. To desire otherwise is a contradiction. People
who are really in love do not use phrases like "I need space" or "We don't have to be with each other every minute." This
isn't to say couples should be together 24 hours a day; they shouldn't. Everybody needs time to him or herself. But if you
only want to be with the other person for sex or if you won't go somewhere your partner likes but you're not crazy about just
so you can be together, then you're not in love. You're just looking for companionship, a playmate.
Love is unconditional.
You may become angry at a partner for something that was said or done, but unless it was a serious transgression, your feelings
for that person will not change. Anyone who says, "Well, I used to love her, but she did this, this and this and I don't love
her anymore," didn't love her to begin with.
If you are contemplating marriage, besides those questions, the most
important things you can ask yourself are:
~Do I really
want to spend the rest of my life with this person?
Depending on your age and that of your partner, it could be anywhere
from 20-50 years or longer. Marriage is supposed to be a permanent commitment. Anyone who goes into it thinking, "Well, if
it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce" is doomed right from the beginning.
~Am I planning on marrying
this person because we can live in the same house with no problem?
That's not a compelling enough reason to join someone
in matrimony. Don't marry someone you can live with; marry someone you cannot live without.
~Do I understand the
responsibilities that go along with marriage?
Marriage is more than just a piece of paper or two people sharing a
residence. Once you are married, your spouse comes before anybody else in your life (except your minor children). Once you
are married, you no longer belong to your parents, nor should you be spending every waking moment with your friends. This
isn't to say you won't have any life at all outside of your home. But leaving your partner alone every night while you go
out partying with your buddies doesn't cut it.
Don't seek out
a partner for all the wrong reasons. Wait for that special someone. He or she is out there. Just keep looking and praying.
When your soul mate comes along, you will know it without asking. Trust me.
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