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Always borrow money from a pessimist... he doesn't expect to be paid back!
Old age is when a broad mind and a narrow
waist trade places.
We've upped our prices so up yours...
It's a small world ... So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Its not
what a teenager knows that bothers his parents ... it's how he found out.
Don't laugh! Your daughter might be in
here!
If I can be of any help... then you're in worse trouble than I thought.
"When the only tool
you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail..."
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better!
If older
is better, I must be approaching MAGNIFICENT!
A cynic is just a bruised romantic.
When the chips are down,
the buffalo is empty.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Forget the bull .. Ride the Cowboy.
Eve was FRAMED.
There's too much blood in the alcohol in my system
Missing your cat?? Try looking
under my tires
Remember folks: Street lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
If at first you
dont succeed ... blame someone else and demand counseling.
Ex-Wife for sale. Take over payments.
I didn't
fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got
worse.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
The gene pool could use a
little chlorine.
Never wrestle with a pig: Both of you get dirty and the pig likes it.
Recycle yourself!!
Be an organ donor.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
Guns don't kill people, Postal Workers
do!
I'm the only hell my mama ever raised.
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore...
If you can
read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot
100,000
sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T
PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals,
Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have
a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast
anymore.
I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality
is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't
drink and drive ... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move
bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids. They will pick out your nursing home.
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